The Verdict

Yesterday,  as a personal self awareness test, I posted what I assumed approximately 25 of my colleagues, clients, friends, and family would identify as my top 2-3 flaws/habits related to work.

The verdict is in, an despite a small response, I was right on two of them, and way off on one.

I postulated that "adding too much value" and "passing judgement' would be two identified and they were.   I'm aware (maybe it is the consultant in me--- or wait,  I'm I making the mistake of #20 on the list- "An excessive need to be 'me'"!) that I am somewhat of a know it all, and feel like I need voice my opinion at every turn.   My dad and I, in fact, had a conversation about our gene pool of vocal opinions this morning on a run.  

Because of this,  I will strive to state my opinion when it is really wanted (when I can truly add value) and/or when it is solicited.   Talking just to here myself talk in a meeting or in a one-on-one discussion is not warranted or solicited.

Passing judgement is something I have always been guilty of.  I loved what one client told me about her step in front of the mirror about passing judgement.  Basically, she said, "I was angry at all these self righteous, judgmental people and then I realized I was just as bad because I was constantly judging them!"  What a fabulous self-awareness wake up call (and something I will write about next week- What you find as the biggest flaw in others is usually what we are most guilty of ourselves!)

To combat this, I think my greatest ally will be, always asking myself,  "Have you put yourself in their shoes?"  Sometimes the Golden Rule is the best and only leadership principle needed.

Other responses I got were,  "Negativity, or 'Let me expelling with that won't work.'- the need to share our negative thoughts even when they aren't asked."  I think this goes in conjunction with my need to always add my two cents whether asked for our not.   Tying my work on improving adding my two cents, I believe, will help in this area as well.

And finally, where did I get an "F" in self-awareness?   I listed that no one would site "Failing to express gratitude" and someone did.   The person sending in this response was kind enough to elaborate and said, "MIW most certainly does not have bad manners.  I don't know that she showers people with gratitude anytime they do something good, but in a professional setting, that's not necessary anyway."  

While I appreciate the sentiments and explanation of my colleague, whoever it may be,  one of the things that I almost pride myself on is working to express gratitude,  particularly in the workplace.   One of my New Year's resolutions was to get rid of the 100 professional thank you notes I ordered by the end of 2012. That's at least 2 handwritten notes a week (to see why I think this is important, see The Priceless Handwritten Note).   I think I should endeavor to find ways to thank people by their standard of gratitude, not my own (not everyone finds a handwritten note that wonderful) and to follow my own advice of writing notes or expressing gratitude to those who I'm closest to.  This week, I've sent my two notes out, and I would call them acquaintances at best.

So, what does this exercise mean at all, other than my self-indulgence, and more importantly, what does it say about leadership?   As a mentioned before,  self-awareness is the first step in establishing behavioral change.  You can't improve that which you don't know needs to be improved.  In addition,  aligning what you think you need to improved about yourself needs to be based on what other's think.  Their perception shapes your leadership or lack thereof.  Once you have this reflection, you can set about making positive behavioral change.

When have you come face-to-face with a different reflection of yourself than others saw and how did you respond?

The Mirror

 I find that my main role in coaching clients is helping them develop self-awareness.   Typically creating self-awareness is a process facilitated by dialogue and 360 degree feedback combined with questions that help individuals realize and refine their own mechanisms for being self-aware.  Once self-awareness is established, it is much easier to facilitate a productive coaching process.

Some of the best leaders are those that are self-aware.  They are better able to play to their strengths and minimize their flaws.  They also have the ability to discern how to behave in certain situations or around certain people.

One exercise I conduct with leaders stems from the list of 20 flaws developed by Marshall Goldsmith and found in his book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.  The 20 flaws are:

1.    Winning too much

2.    Adding too much value

3.    Passing judgment

4.    Making destructive comments

5.    Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”

6.    Telling the world how smart we are

7.    Speaking when angry

8.    Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”

9.    Withholding information

10. Failing to give proper recognition

11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve

12. Making excuses

13. Clinging to the past

14. Playing favorites

15. Refusing to express regret

16. Not Listening

17. Failing to express gratitude

18. Punishing the messenger

19. Passing the buck

20. An excessive need to be “me”

I give a list based off this list as well as a list of strengths to the coaching client and to the people that surround them (subordinates, peers, managers, even family). I ask the client to pick their two biggest flaws and strengths, and I ask the others to pick the two biggest strengths and flaws they see in the client.

Those that are self-aware have matching answers with the people asked to select their strengths and weaknesses.   It is much easier to facilitate the coaching process if people agree to what their strengths and weaknesses are.  It is much harder when they resist the feedback they get from others.  

In reality, our leadership is only as strong as how others perceive us. They are the mirrors we need.  The closer we can get to aligning our own self reflection with what the world sees, the sooner we can maximize our strengths and avoid our weaknesses.

So in the spirit of self-awareness and for next month’s Leadership Carnival with the charge to “Get personal!” about a best and/or worst leadership moment, I will be discussing my step in front of the mirror with this list. After all, one of the best leadership moments you can have is when you take an honest look in the mirror.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear responses from you about any self-awareness revelations you have had.